Demons - Part III

Region: Devoid 
Location: Thakala II
Date: 24.11.121
Time: 08:24 Local time

Patches of light dotted the shoreline, the clouds shifting across the sky, periodically revealing the sun and teasing warmth to the early morning. 

A cool breeze whipped across the sand as Sahriah made her way down the small embankment and onto the beach. Cries from sea birds mixed with the soft lapping of the waves as they washed up onto the shore. It would have been an idyllic location for most, but the ambience triggered an unpleasant sense of Déjà vu that gave her pause. Stopping, she turned around, scanning the beach, then the mountain line, her eyes finally drifting from the mist-covered peaks down to the small shuttle she had left in the grassy clearing. A cold shiver ran down her spine; nothing had changed here. Everything was so eerily similar, it was as if she had returned to that exact moment in the past, like she was in another one of her nightmares.

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she continued to the water’s edge, black and red robes brushing a trail into the sand as she returned to the location she had once sat to contemplate Zac’s death. So many battles had passed since then. Countless engagements, countless losses. So much destruction wrought in the name of progress. Sometimes it was hard to justify it all; to accept that progress only came through sacrifice. Other times, it was all too easy to forget that the numbers on her screen represented real lives that hung in the balance of her every decision. She had learnt well to compartmentalize personal and professional relationships since then. But it still wasn’t an easy thing. 

‘There is no good and evil. There is each human assuming their rightful place amidst the stars’ she remembered the verse from the Apocryphon well. It wasn’t a pleasant fact, but it had not taken long under Tiger’s tutelage to realize that truth, real truth, was often unpleasant. 

Bloodveil had taught this truth another way; that the Sani Sabik recognized the individuals right to exercise power in accordance with their own personal capabilities. That was all life really was, one creature exercising their power over another. The universe was split between those few that possessed the strength of will to forge their own destinies, and the masses, too afraid to strike out, caught under the boot of those willing to make the hard sacrifices. 

‘To the one who seeks to overcome themselves I wish great hardship – I wish for them to become intimate with self-contempt, with the torture of self-doubt, to strip to the core themselves with the knowledge of their own existence; I have no pity for them, because I know that the only thing that can prove today, whether one is worth anything tomorrow - is that one can endure’ 

Kneeling, she ran a hand through the sand. It would be so easy to stop fighting; to lay down arms and retire to a nice quiet backwater planet like this one. She had been close once too, almost giving in to fatigue and despair after the siege of Insmother some two years prior, when Triumvirate had lost everything, when they were surrounded by enemies on all sides. It was the price of their own overzealous aggression throughout the years. The price of unchecked ambition. 

Even now a part of her yearned to let go, to abandon those ambitions and live a peaceful, happy life, free from the constant anxiety and pressures of leadership and combat. They were dangerous thoughts. She knew the lure of giving in to the promise of comfort and conformity was the bane of every great achiever. It had the ability to seduce the anxious and fearful. Those that lived in the face of the uncertainty and isolation associated with striving for greatness. She knew if she ever gave in to that desire, that eventually her skills would stagnate, that she would become weak. And someday, someone would come for something she cared about again, and just as before, she would be powerless to stop them. No…she had come too far, and sacrificed too much to doubt her path now; the only way was forward.

Her breathing became shallower as the atmosphere of the beach triggered visceral memories. She clutched the wet sand in her hand, forming it into a tight ball as she tried to suppress the all too familiar beginnings of another panic attack. Laying down on the sand, she closed her eyes, her thoughts drifting to that of her father and the words he used to calm her when she was young. 

‘The reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the oak that breaks in the storm Sahriah. But it has only learnt to bend because the wind presses it.’ 

Despite Wayism having no ties to the Sani Sabik philosophies, it always surprised her how similar the two cultures could be sometimes. Only the merited shall rule; the Caldari embraced the core teachings of the Sani without evening knowing it. Perhaps that was why it had been so easy for her to accept what Tiger had offered all those years ago. 

Sometimes pain is what we need; to cauterize the wound and burn out the infection. 

Pulling out her data pad, she connected it to her neocom and typed out a short message. She stared at it for a moment, before pressing the send button. 

Shira, 

During my time as your Prathet you have asked many things of me. I now wish to ask something of you. Let me know when you have time for me, and I will forward you the coordinates. 

Your Prathet,

Sahriah 

 *** 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she heard the shuttle approaching over the mountains; the sun had moved from its low position on the horizon, to high in the sky, burning off some of the cloud cover and allowing the beach to warm slightly. She was standing completely still, staring off into the infinite stretch of ocean that shimmered in the sunlight. 

Long after the sound of the engines had died down, she began to hear his footsteps approaching on the sand behind her. Resisting the urge to turn and face him, she took a deep breath as he finally neared close enough to speak. 

“Prathet?” 

He stopped a few feet behind her, his voice laced with hesitation; his mind turning over as he took a moment to examine her clothing. The location clearly wasn’t lost on him, nor the fact she was dressed in her Sani robes and not her usual military attire. 

“It’s very peaceful here. I can see why you made this planet your home” her voice lacked the usual professional tone she was used to using with him, instead it was soft, almost eerily calm. 

There was a pause before he spoke again, as if he was considering whether she posed him any threat. “I’ve always been a private man…” he responded cautiously, “…and Thakala was never very high on the tourism list.” 

Sahriah continued to stare out into the water, unmoving, realizing he had no intention yet of approaching her. 

"How did it go?" She figured inquiring about his recent visit with Shalee would be helpful to both break the ice, and determine if he was in a rational mood, before addressing her reason for bringing him here. 

“It went fine. We spent the evening talking. It was quite sweet. If anything, I'd say that she felt quite warm to me last night”, he paused, his brows knitting together in a slight frown. “She wasn't happy to learn that Empusa poses her a risk, but I told her that you were watching over her from the shadows.” 

She nodded her head slowly, the thought of dealing with Empusa, and the fact she knew Shalee was now watching her back, bringing a smile to her lips. "Well… she'll be dealt with soon enough." 

Sahriah knelt down, taking a seat in the cold sand and brushing a few strands of hair out of her face as the wind attempted to tangle them. Turning her head slightly to the side, she let him see part of her face, giving him a reassuring smile. "Will you sit with me?" 

Feeling slightly more at ease, he stepped forward, drawing alongside her and lowering himself down onto the sand. Bending his knees, he wrapped his arms around his legs. “You know I will, Sahriah” there was a slight pause before he added. “I'm surprised to see you here.” 

She let the silence hang in the air for a few moments, watching his face, letting his mind turn over as they enjoyed the peacefulness of the beach in stark contrast to the last time they had been here together. 

"I wanted you to know that, I think I understand your lesson, Shira." She looked back out across the water, shimmering in the patched sunlight. "That we cannot reach our true potential if we maintain a fear of exploring the depths within ourselves. That just as a raging river can be harnessed for its energy, so too can our primal layers be tempered and channeled to vitalize life." Pausing, she looked at him again, her voice seeking some kind of confirmation that she had understood what he had been trying to teach her since she had returned to Thakala. 

He shifted a little closer towards her on the sand, finally reaching up with one hand and placing it firmly on her shoulder. 

“My last lesson for you, Prathet, and you seem to understand the rationale completely. I didn't genuinely believe you would grasp the meaning this quickly, but it seems I often underestimate your ability to read between the lines.” His fingers gently rubbed her shoulder through the thick robe. “I would have taken it to extremes, to prove the point”. 

She didn’t flinch at his touch this time, her posture remaining completely relaxed. 

"You remember this place" she prompted, her voice shifting to a more serious tone; stating a fact rather than asking a question, wanting him to relive some of the memories. "You told me earlier that you're not that man anymore. I want to know what happened? Was it Eva? Was it Shalee who helped you?” She wanted, needed, to know what had changed. What had finally silenced the voices of Illana in his mind. 

He lowered his hand from her shoulder, averting his gaze – his focus moving to the sand as he ran his hand through it, letting the grains filter through his fingers. “I never truly knew when Illana was with me, Sahriah, but my love for Evangeline helped me through it. Gave me somewhere to focus my energy, focus myself. I wasn't quite right for a long time.” He paused for a moment before finishing his thought. “Empusa helped me too. Why do you think I hesitate when she needs killing? She helped me over the worst of it.” 

Sahriah looked down at the sand, bringing her own hand out from underneath her robe, her right hand, human now and not the white and grey carbon fibered cybernetics of her usual clone. She gently scooped up a handful of soft grains and then let them trickle through her fingers in unison with him. "So, you faced your demons, or they just…faded away?" she tried to hide the confusion in her voice, not sure she understood what he was saying. 

“I faced them for well over a year, Sahriah, but eventually they subsided. It was gradual, so I'm told”. He raised his eyes and looked out to sea. “Again, I find myself in a position where I want to apologize for putting you through what I did. It wasn't my place to do so, and the voices in my head were unwavering in their assault”. He smiled without looking at her. “I think getting closure away from my Shiras helped me too. My service to her was unhealthy. I was addicted to narcotics, living in the spotlight by her side”. 

Her calm veneer cracked ever so slightly at his admission that his service to Revan had ultimately been unhealthy for him, making her question her own situation, both in the past and the present. She was quiet for a long while as she searched for some concrete answer in his words to explain what had changed, what had ‘fixed’ him; some pillar of truth she could draw on. So much ambiguity was difficult for her; for a moment, it threw her purpose for meeting him in this place into doubt. 

Another gust of wind blew up against them, carrying the sand grains across the surface of the beach. Once she finally spoke, her words were laced with frustration and unsurety; like a child looking for answers from their parent. 

"And if we do embrace our own depths, how do we stop before the abyss, see how and where we might lose our way, prevent being torn apart by our own demons?" 

Tiger blurted out a laugh, unable to hide his amusement at the question. “You're talking to a man that is entirely focused, even drawing on the resources offered by his own dear Prathet, on reconciling with a weak woman of Amarrian faith; stubborn to the core and happy to fuck other men whilst apart from me” he rolled onto his back the sand grains sticking to the back of his jacket and finding their way into his hair. “My Shiras was ultimately brought down by her love for Jade Constantine. I was almost brought down by my love for Shalee”, he paused. “The trick, Sahriah, is not worry about where the abyss comes, and embrace that which we know is important to us. Would you rather live a sheltered life alone for immortality, unloved by anyone through fear of stumbling and falling in the dark? Or live a full and varied life, respecting everything that love and power provides, being ready and able to deal with disappointment when it draws it's vicious blade?” 

She frowned, his laugh feeling disrespectful to the tone of the conversation. Despite the location of their meeting he was completely oblivious to what she was asking him; how to avoid falling to a place where control was not fully in your grasp, just as he had. Instead he was focused on the aspects of love; Shalee intruding into their conversation as she always did. 

She sighed, not looking at him. "Alright. I understand." 

Tiger sat up, his eyes drifting to her. “I'm sorry, Prathet. You wanted to hear something different. You wanted me to tell you that you'll just know when to avoid that abyss. To reassure you that we have the answers to such questions... the truth is, we don't. We each take the lessons passed on through the generations and seek to improve those who follow the path we set. I learned some hard lessons from my own life, and I tried to impart my wisdom on you. To shape and mold you to become so much more than I could ever achieve. One day, you'll find someone that you want to help, and you'll find your own way to help them see the truth... the truth that life isn't fair, and that each experience we have is shaped by our own understanding”. 

He paused, picking up a handful of sand and balling it into a fist. Turning it to the side, he began the gradual flow of sand again. “Time passes, much like this sand. Each grain but a lesson to overcome. Tell me... If you found someone young, some naive, but you thought they had potential, would you do to them, as I did to you? Would you teach them the lessons I've imparted upon you? Would you use my own teaching methods, knowing how it helped shape you as a person?” 

Sahriah curled her knees up under her chin, her cheek resting on them, looking over to the sand falling through his fingers and contemplating his question. He had always been a mentor to her, and she wanted to believe he had all the answers to her questions, but she knew that was a naive notion. 

"I don't know." she responded truthfully, never really thought she would ever be in the position to teach another the lessons she'd learnt from him, at least, not in that way. "Would you change anything you did?" 

He was quiet for a moment in thoughtful contemplation. “I sometimes feel guilty about what I put you through, but I have to question whether you would have ever run an alliance like Triumvirate, or led thousands of pilots into battle, without the lessons I gave you. Without the experiences I provided. Can you not see how my methods, whilst cruel, shaped you to become what you are?”. He shook his head, lowering his eyes. “You were the only person, in my entire life, that I deemed worthy of learning what I had to teach”. After another small pause he spoke up, certainty finally returning to his voice. “I wouldn't change anything. You're incredible, Prathet, and I take pride in knowing that I helped you become that”. 

His words were true. Had it not been for him, she doubted whether she would have ever become a capable combat pilot. Despite being cruel at times, his lessons had hardened her; made her resilient to the physical and mental strains of leading others into combat, of managing an alliance. But it had also come at a cost. 

Finally looking at him, she offered a genuine smile, knowing in her heart he was telling her his truth. That everything he had done, he had done because he cared about her, because he knew that only by pushing her limits would she realize her full potential. 

"Thank you" she whispered back softly as she turned her body to face him. "You say you are not that man anymore. But I still see that man. Every time I look into your eyes." And when I close mine. 

Slowly she parted one side of her robe, unsheathing the curved Sani blade that had been secured inside, placing it on the sand between them before looking up at him again, trying to gauge his reaction to her words and the blade, her voice regretful for the truth she spoke. "You were right when you said I feared you." 

He reached over, slowly picking it up and examining it in detail, a look of pride on his face that she would keep her blade as close to her, as he kept his. 

“Sahriah…..If you consider that everything I've taught you, each act of cruelty I ordered performed upon you, helped shape the woman you are today, then you need to consider how, whilst I'm not that same man anymore, he's part of who I am. He still lives in here”, he patted his chest, around the vicinity of his heart, then patted his forehead. “You're right to fear him. You're right to fear me. I'm still capable of doing everything now, that I ever did before. My past actions were the result of the pressures I felt, and my inability to deal with things. If the same were to happen today, would the cycle restart? Maybe it would. Do you understand?” 

"I do…" she replied slowly, lifting her hand and placing it over his, pulling the blade gently back to the sand. "I called you weak, for not tempering your love, for letting it control you. But I have been weak too, for not tempering my fear." She shifted in the sand, moving closer to him. "You dealt with your demons, now I must as well.” 

He didn’t resist her touch but didn’t lift his hand from the blade either, suddenly feeling uneasy, beginning to piece things together.

“What did you have in mind Pr... Sahriah? How can I help you overcome your fear from me, when potentially I could return to that man at any given time?”. He looked across at her, her windswept hair partly covering her face and shoulder. “I hold nothing against you for calling me weak, for there was truth to those words…You need to realize that whilst you may falter, you may have already fallen too much worse, without being who you are, and weathering all you already have.” 

"I left you once before, when you needed me most, out of fear you would kill me." she responded slowly, drawing her other hand into her robe and pulling out another item, a small electronic recording device, the blinking light on its side indicating it was already active. "I want you to give this to me, after." she set it on the sand and looked back up at him, into his eyes, searching them for the recognition that he understood what she was asking of him. 

Tiger remained completely motionless, the cogs ticking within his mind as he kept his gaze locked on her. The earlier observations of her ceremonial robe, her official blade, and the location of their meeting now reaffirmed what he knew she wanted. “That device is a recorder, isn't it? You're recording everything, to learn from this moment”. His eyes shifted down to her blade. “You think that by embracing your darkest fear, that you'll be able to grow from it, to learn resilience from it?” 

She held his gaze, resisting the urge to look away. He didn’t need to understand that it wasn’t his capability for cruelty that was the cause of her fear, but her own inability to face her own death at his hands. 

"I just need to know." her voice betrayed a hint of concern, that he might not grant her what she desired of him.

He was silent a moment as he considered her request. “I have half a mind to deny you, Prathet. I think that fear is important to you, and is healthy for our relationship. You should never not fear me”, he paused. “But if you want me to do this for you, you will need to ask me, in simple language, for what you want. And you will look into my eyes as you ask me. I want you to understand the implications of this decision”. 

Sahriah hesitated a moment, part of her wondering if he might deny her anyway, or if his reasons for doing so were more complicated than he was letting on. 

She looked down at his hand, still wrapped around the blade as it lay in the sand, feeling a pang of doubt about what she was doing. The blade was too impersonal, too…easy. He had ended the lives of many with his own. Her thoughts returned to Tiger's office, to when he had stopped himself from killing her during one of their arguments. 

Curling her fingers under his palm, between him and the handle, she lifted his hand away from the blade, bringing it towards her to rest on her throat. Maintaining eye contact with him, she steeled her face with the conviction she'd spent the last several hours on the beach building. 

"I want you to take my life here Leo" she used his real name now; a final act of entreatment.

Tiger shifted his weight on the sand, moving onto his knees. Kneeling beside her, he kept his hand on her throat, not yet applying any pressure. Bringing his other hand up, he placed it to the side of her face, his thumb softly stroking her cheek as he stared back into her eyes. “You do realize this will be difficult for me too, right?” there was a pause “Sahriah, you need to know how much I love you, before I do this for you”. 

She gazed at him regretfully as she buried strong feelings of guilt, resisting the urge to speak, lest it break her conviction in the moment, she simply nodded softly in acknowledgement. 

Breaking eye contact with her, he looked down at the sand, still stroking the side of her face with his thumb as though he hadn’t yet made his decision. She watched him, seeing the conflict in his mind, trusting that he would do as she asked, fulfill the only request she had made of him in all her time as his Prathet. 

Finally, after several minutes, he looked back up to meet her gaze, his eyes equally apologetic. Very slowly he began to apply pressure, his grip tightening around her throat, closing his thumb over her windpipe to block off her ability to breath. Knowing she would soon be in great pain, he continued to gently stroke her cheek with his other hand. “I'm sorry”, he whispered, staring deep into her eyes, refusing to look away. 

She closed her eyes for a moment, her heart rate increasing as his fingers tightened around her throat, transforming the conviction she felt to doubt, fear, and then to adrenaline as endorphins began to flood her system; the mixture of pain and affection which had encompassed their entire relationship being reflected in each long moment that passed.

Forcing herself to look at him, she opened her eyes once again, her vision already beginning to blur as the skin around her neck quickly became numb under the pressure. A lightheadedness crept over her as he continued to tighten his grip, her body beginning to squirm slightly in his grasp. Tiger bit his lower lip. She could tell he was struggling with what he was doing to her, that he was adamant to never take his eyes from hers, but her ability to be concerned that he would falter quickly faded as she began to lose her composure; instinct leading her to start gasping for breath. 

Her hands moved to his wrists, pulling at them in some natural unfettered resistance to death that even Capsuleer's were still susceptible to. Her forethought in changing to a clone without her usual cybernetic arm enhancement meant that her strength was no match for him, especially in her current state. He shifted his weight, keeping his thumb firmly in place on her windpipe, not wishing to draw the ordeal out a second longer than necessary as her body convulsed in his grasp. 

Black spots formed across her vision, her weight slowly becoming unsteady and weak, reliant on him to hold her there; her last thoughts, wondering if he would truly honor her request for the recording. 

As her vision faded she was vaguely aware of him, his eyes still on her, his thumb still gently stroking her cheek, easing her into a darkness she wouldn’t remember, until her body fell limp in his arms.